Happy birthday Ted. I know it is a bit crazy that I want to celebrate your birthday this year when we seldom celebrated birthdays when you were alive.
Remember when we went to San Diego for your 40th birthday and I forgot the entire time we were there that we were to be celebrating it and you never once mentioned that I was oblivious? I like to blame that lapse on the fact that we had a toddler in tow that took up most of the focus of the weekend and that was my excuse.
I guess every special day is now heavy on my radar. Truth be told, even regular days can be big days to feel through without you in them.
I can’t even remember if we did anything on your birthday last year or if you went to Denny’s and got your free birthday meal. I never did get your infatuation with going to a Denny’s. I’d gladly take you this year if you were here.
So today, I’ll get you a filled donut and put a candle in it. Do you know that even after ten months of you being gone, that I still walk through the bakery department in every store looking for what sweets would make you happy that week? It is a habit I’ve yet to break and I still don’t realize I’m even doing it until it sinks in for the thousandth time that you are not home for me to take the donuts or other confections home to.
I don’t expect you to be at home anymore like I did for months and months. It finally sunk in that I don’t have to filter every decision through the lens of partnership and how it will affect you or our next dinner discussion. I will admit that the shift to knowing it is all just me and not “us” is a big one. It is both freeing and frightening at the same time. I mean, I still absolutely think what your opinion would be on my way of doing your standard duties in the house, gardens, and business, but I now feel like I just have to do it my way and you are backing me up in the unseen background.
Tonight I may sit at your beautiful bar and pour a finger or two of whiskey in one of your special glasses, hug your ashes and toast your birthday.
I miss you Ted. Happy Birthday.