The Memorial Dates have been set. I will try to get post cards out for reminders. Here is a copy.
I’ll have more info closer to the dates, but we hope you can come to one or the other.
Thank you for all who are stepping in to help out with the plans.
Update on yesterday’s blog on the chain saw carburetor replacement outcome. It started on the second pull and I was able to get the current pile of wood cut up as planned. Yeah for inexpensive parts and decent instruction on some YouTube videos.
They say grief comes in waves, yesterday was a big wave.
It was a hard day. As fate would have it, I was alone most of the day as Devin was visiting a friend and that was probably for the best as it allowed me space to deal with issues and emotions unfettered.
I had taken the day off from work because I had to call social security and the hospital and several other entities that can take up more than a lunch or ten-minute break would allow. It was also the day of Ted’s cremation and I felt like it might be a harder day and work wasn’t the place to process those emotions.
I couldn’t have been more right. The finality of it hit hard. It was so akin to the same feelings I had when Mom died and they closed the casket. I can remember feeling that my connection was somehow severed when that casket was closed. To not be able to see Mom again – even her dead body was comfort to me – and to have her closed away was too much. I honestly remember thinking that given the option, I would have had her stuffed and put somewhere that I could at least see her and have her near. That same feeling washed over me yesterday in the knowledge that Ted’s body was now also gone to me.
Just like when it happened with mom, the tears flowed. The hurt and pain of the loneliness were palpable. Spiritually, I know I don’t need the presence of a body to be connected, but viscerally, I want the face to look at, the arms to hold, and the touch and smell of the person. I wonder if tears flow so that the uncontrolled part of ourselves emits what we cannot say, and joins the atmosphere where we are so loved, and thus somewhere deep inside we know the flow of connection is still strong and always will be. Anyway, that’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.
Oh, and just so you know, lots of tears can be generated and sent down the cheeks while on hold with the social security office. Time well spent.
There will be more hard days, but that one is behind me. The sun will be up soon with a new promise of life to be seen, experienced, wondered about, and enjoyed.
I know everyone is interested in what the plans are for celebrating the fun and times we all had with Mike/Ted in work and play, family and friendships.
He was not a formal service kind of guy – which is why it worked out well for us to get married as part of a hiking trip in the Colorado mountains 32 years ago. So, as I previously eluded to, we will have a cornhole gathering with fun and merriment to get all who wish to gather and share their stories, antics, hugs, and toasts. The new plans though, are to have two celebrations and not just one. These dates are yet to be determined, but you will have a choice of coming to one in Colorado or one in Ohio. Ted and I both have family and friends in both locations, so it makes sense to have a celebration in both spots and let those who would like to participate select the best spot for them. The boys and I will be at both (at least I hope we can be). I’m currently thinking that it will likely be toward spring and/or summer. I’ll check with the main crews to help at each location and let you know in a future post.
Ted’s body will be cremated in the next week or so (exact date not yet given), and then we will decide if he will be shaken over his beloved raspberries, added to the filler of the cornhole bags (just kidding), divided up and taken to his favorite spots (I picture me filtering out the ashes through my pockets as in The Shawshank Redemption movie – since I believe it might be illegal), part of our houseplants, buried beside our beloved Kelsie and Bullseye, or put on a shelf – (well closed, so we don’t just think it is extra dusty on that shelf and vacuum him up), or added to the church columbarium.
I’m not in a rush to decide and don’t feel like I have to decide right away anyway. For now, I might just stuff him in a punching bag or in a teddy bear. Could depend on the day.
Today I awoke and realized there are still important people in our lives who may not know what has happened. People we only connect with via text and phone that likely haven’t seen or heard there were posts.
It was akin to catching that freshly formed scab on the doorway as you walk through and suddenly the pain, blood, and tears are right back to when you sustained the wound. The only difference is, it feels like I’m inflicting wounds as well. I know these friends have been blindsided without the chance to have been knowing about what was going on like those who had access to the blog and knew what was happening as it occurred.
I’ll not blame myself for not thinking of everyone while this was all happening, but I’ll also not deny that to hear and read their shock and horror penetrates the part of me that wanted to think that I was prepared, but so very much associates with the shock and horror of it and doesn’t know what to say or where to go from here.
If you read this and can think of anyone who should know, please reach out and tell them or let me know so that I can do so. I am sure there are some whom I am still too much in a fog to see.