All of our friends and family are desperate to to know how Ted is doing and to know what they can do to help. Everyone feels helpless and just feels that if they could do any small thing, then they would be contributing to making Ted better. They see me struggling at times and want terribly to do something to lessen my load and agony. The problem is, beyond the prayers for Ted, there isn’t much to be done.
I struggle with allowing people to do too much. For me, the problem isn’t that I don’t want help, it is that I feel so terribly helpless in all this as well and to have folks jumping in to help me makes me feel all the more helpless. I know I shouldn’t feel like that. I know I should accept everything in the loving manner that it is given. I know all of this, but knowing in your heart and telling your feeble mind are two different things. You see, no one is more desperate to do something than me and I sit helpless all day long.
I’ve had a steady stream of friends and family reaching out with stories of understanding and empathy and that is wonderful. Please know that I do read them all, but do get a bit buried under the number of messages, so if I don’t respond, it isn’t for not loving your thoughts and wishes, it is just that I don’t always have time to reply and if any time goes by, then it gets lost in the sea of wishes.
I’ve had a steady stream of friends going to lunch with me and that is wonderful. I have friends looking after my family at times – that is priceless.
I’ve had my brother have his hair cut in a more weird and more wacky way than I had threatened to cut Ted’s a few days ago. Also priceless — except for the Raiders Sweatshirt. I’ll have to see about getting him a Bronco’s sweatshirt instead.
I have friends making me feel guilty as I write this because I know they went to the house to clean the kitchen while I was gone. I love them for it, and it is something low on my list to do, but it still does make me feel guilty for not doing it myself.
Packages show up, wood gets split, food gets dropped off. It is all wonderful.
But do you know what I wish from everyone the most? I wish that if they haven’t been vaccinated, that they will go make that appointment and get it done. I wish that if you know someone that isn’t vaccinated, you will let them know that playing the numbers isn’t worth it. I wish that this hadn’t been made political because I can tell you that Covid does not care one iota who you vote for. I can tell you that I am the only visitor on the COVID ICU floor (and this was mainly because he is so dire) and no patient in the COVID ICU has been vaccinated – not one. I can say that you can still get Covid even after being vaccinated, but the chance for death decreases immensely. A good friend just had a breakthrough case during this time that Ted has been ill. Every day though, the nurses and doctors relay that the most important thing that you can do to keep you and your family safe and out of the ICU, is to get vaccinated. So, if you want to really help, you now know what I want most. I honestly cannot bear the thought of having anyone else I love having to go through this.
Ted update: He had an uneventful night and was prone all night. We expect the Dr. to want to flip him again. The nurses are pushing to get him Trache’d as the tube down though his mouth is really tearing up his lips and mouth. His blood pressure has started to spike every time I massage him or talk within earshot of him. I am terribly afraid that they will soon tell me that I cannot come as it is causing him distress, so now I sit in silence as much as possible.
His Oxygen levels remain in the mid 90’s and through lunch he was still on 70% and 10 Peep on the ventilator. His blood gasses last night were encouraging.
I went to lunch and instead of flipping him, they decided to cut back on the O2 on the ventilator to see how he handled it. They went to 50% and left the Peep on 10. After an hour, they took his gasses and they were not where they wanted them, so they kicked the O2 up to 60% and his pulse ox has been good. They normally take off the paralytic before trying to turn back the oxygen, but he doesn’t fit the normal mold, so they are approaching it from the opposite side and leaving the paralytic and turning back the oxygen. His blood gases got better after putting it back to 60%, but now where he was at 70%. Sounds like they will leave him prone and at 60% for the night and evaluate as needed.
Thanks for the continued support.