In this day and age where it seems everyone is attached to their phone, I have a friend who cant seem to keep her’s on or check a text message to save her life.

The only consistent form of communication is emailing back and forth from our work emails.  Now, I have let her know that everyone in my department has access to each others work emails so it is best to keep it not too personal.

So, to disguise her personal emails to me she generally puts something customer related in the subject line.

Now for Disclaimer:  Warning: If you have aversion to hearing about what middle age women talk about or wear, stop reading and close this window now.

So one day in the not too distant past, I received an email from her with the subject line of: “Thanks for your assistance!”

The email read:

Okay – seriously, have you ever had one of those days where you have TRULY reached the bottom of the underwear drawer because you just have too many other things to do than laundry? Well, I have to say that I hit that place today, and I need you to make a solemn promise to me as a friend and confidant. It is important.

If I should be injured or killed in an accident today, I really need for YOU to explain to any EMT’s, first responders or emergency room doctors (especially the cute, male ones) that THESE ARE NOT MY REGULAR UNDERPANTS! I have cute panties – it was a bad day! Please…I need someone who loves me to emphatically state that I do not like old, dingy, formerly white, cotton, high-waisted granny pants whose elastic last stretched in the mid-90’s.

Thank you. I love you.

I had a seriously horrible customer service escalation at the time that took over an hour of phone time with this inconsolable customer so I did not respond. After all, this kind of surprise email can’t just have a “I’ve got your back” response.

The call went right into my lunch hour so once I was off the call, I bolted for the park where I proceeded to wipe that call from my mind with one a million times better with another friend.

When I returned from lunch, there was another email from my friend with the subject line of “Sad”

this one read:

I am thinking that you are out today – or off, or you quit. And somebody else looked at my previous email.

To which I would like to say, since they are also probably reading this one, sorry about that. My name is Holly Berry and I am just a good friend of Sally’s. Having a weird day, so please disregard my previous email. It was just a joke.

Thank you.

I roared in laughter at my desk as not only is Holly Berry not her name, but it is the name of another dear friend of mine that she also knows! I howled at her attempt to throw Holly under the bus. Oh wait, that wasn’t an attempt, there were tread marks! Bahahaha. This is where I started printing the emails to share with at least Holly.

So I responded as if I was some unknowing person. (her email is badams)

Dear Bad Ams,

Your emails have been received and reviewed by our fraud department as you have been flagged as a possible threat to our company.  Your emails are being sent to the special encoded decipher department to ascertain the true meaning behind the words.  Granny Pants is a known subversive name for a blond single mother of two hiding in a small mountain town of Colorado.  She is known to have a dangerous mind and deadly mouth.  If encountered, she should be hugged hard and turned in to a group of lethal women known to gather together.  They are meeting this Sunday for a brunch.  If you can manage it, please bring said “Granny Pants” so that she can be dealt with accordingly.

Just remember, anything you can or do say will be used as a butt of a joke.

We were, after all having a Mom’s brunch for my birthday that weekend.

She responded:

HAHAHA!!!

Peed in my granny’s…

I then sent her a personal email – subject line: “public postings”

it read:

Dear Friend,

I hope you are okay and doing well.  I haven’t heard from you in forever and thought I should let you know that my email has been compromised and everything is somehow being posted on the interweb without our ability to stop it.  Luckily I know you have never written anything that could be misconstrued or be embarrassing to either one of us.

Best regards,

to which she responded:

OMG!

You are my soul-smartass….

These are the email exchanges between one of my friends and I.  Insight into lunacy.

I had meant to take the series of emails to our Mom’s luncheon as I had taken another exchange a time or two prior and everyone got a kick out of it.  I forgot.  Lucky for me, I can put it up here for them to see.  Oh, and kinda make that last email I sent come true!

Thanks BA for the laughs at work when things go awry.  I would love to text or phone you sometime too though when it is outside of work hours.  Just saying.  And don’t worry about too many people reading this.  I’m not heavily followed.

Love Sally